We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
