a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
