i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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