My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
