Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
