Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
