Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Small penises have feelings too.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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