508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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