Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
