Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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