she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
