What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
