Just fell off a train. Bad.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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