How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
