I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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