My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
