Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
