You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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