thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
