I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
