He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
