After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
