A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My balls are so social today.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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