I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
