i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
