as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
