you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
