I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
