Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
