Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The best revenge is premature balding
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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