I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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