Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
