thus making me awesome and them whores
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
