he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
