just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
