Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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