So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
