Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
