I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
