I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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