My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
