I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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