so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
