i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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