smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
