Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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