I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you had me at cake vodka
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
