I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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