U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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