I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
