he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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